One might say that good communication is the bedrock of a healthy marriage. I would not argue with that. When the lines of communication are open and you are able to discuss any and everything with each other, it just makes for an easier relationship. It is good communication that will make it easy to talk to your husband about having a baby.
The basis of your conversation should be honesty.
You might be unsure of how to broach the topic to him if you have never discussed it before or if previous discussions about having a baby have turned into tense arguments. Here are 11 simple steps to take when you decide to talk to your husband about having a baby.
How to tell your husband you want a baby
- Analyze why you want a baby
Before beginning your conversation, you should take the time to search within yourself if you have not already. Understand why it is that you think you want a baby. Why now? Why not later? Why do you think you are ready? Understanding all these things about yourself will be helpful for your discussion as you can share the reason for your desire with your husband.
- Consider your financial situation as a couple beforehand
This is often a major reason for married couples to hold off on having a baby. If you think your husband keeps putting off having a baby, this could be the reason why. Financial insecurity is a completely justified basis for not bringing a baby into the family. If it is hard enough to sustain a household with just you two, you certainly do not need to bring in another person.
Think about your financial situation as a couple and see if you can afford to take care of a baby. Keep in mind that your income level as a household may change if you do have a baby. Work out the numbers if you can before you start this all-important talk with your husband.
- Remember that this is only a conversation
Not a fight. Relax. Go into the conversation calmly and with no tension if you can help it. Do not start things off expecting your chat to go badly. Expect him to be receptive and understanding. Also remember that there will be more opportunities to have this conversation in the near future.
- Be gentle
If you want to talk to your husband about having a baby, you need to provide an environment where he feels safe to share his emotions with you. Remind yourself that he has perspectives and feelings too. He might not have communicated them fully with you yet but if you are gentle enough, he might feel comfortable to be honest and open with you.
- Be patient
Do not hit him with the topic every opportunity you get. You do not have to talk to your husband about having a baby every single time you see his face. Find the right situation to bring it up.
- Show appreciation for him
Let him know all the ways that you appreciate him as a husband. It will be helpful for him to hear the things that he is good at as you try to get him to imagine adding on “daddy” to his roles. If he is a great husband, he can more easily envisage being a great dad and then maybe he will look forward to it more.
- Be open about how badly you want a baby
Now is the time to be as honest as you can be. Do not be afraid of what his reaction will be or what the conclusion of the conversation will be. Let him know how long and hard you have been thinking about having a baby.
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- Be clear about why you think you are ready
This is where you lay out the reasons why you think you are financially able to have a baby. Of course, you can also bring up other reasons why. For example, you might feel like biologically, you do not have that much time left to try for a baby.
- Find out what (if any) your husband’s concerns are
So you want a baby but your husband doesn’t? Ask him to lay out the reasons why not. You want to have a baby but your husband wants to wait? Why? Make it clear to him that his concerns are important to you and truly listen to him when he tells you. Empathise with him. Put yourself in his place and really try to understand where his fears are coming from. Then if you can, try to allay his fears.
- Continue to make your relationship a priority
Regardless of the outcome of this important conversation, your relationship comes first. Your relationship does not need to end because you could not come to a conclusion after only one discussion.
- Get a therapist involved
Finally, if the topic of having a baby together becomes a touchy one regardless of what approach you take, you may need to get a third party involved. Perhaps you simply can’t hear your husband anymore when it comes to this issue. Maybe he just can’t speak to you on this subject without getting upset. Getting help from a therapist may be just what you need to get your relationship back on track and then also help you come to some agreement or compromise on what to do about your desire for a baby.
The steps above should be helpful if you are taking your first step into parenthood. However, in other cases, you may already have children but want more. Do you want another baby but your husband wants to wait? Has your husband decided he does not want more kids?
Here are some easy ways to discuss this with your husband.
How to tell your husband you want another baby
- Check your reasons for wanting another child
In this case also, before you begin your conversation, you need to understand yourself and the reasons why you think you want another baby. Also, why now? Are you seeing your friends having babies now and it is making you broody? Are you about to hit 40 and afraid that you will want more babies later and it will be too late?
- Show appreciation for the way that he fathers
Let him know why you would love to have another baby with him. What is so special about the way that he is with your child or children? What do you love most about the way he behaves as a father?
- Talk about your highs and lows as parents so far
Reminisce on what your parenting journey has been like so far. Yes, it may light a fire in your husband to do it all over again if the memories are so sweet. However, it might also be a helpful exercise for you as it may get you thinking about the not-so-enjoyable aspects of being mommy to a baby. It might make you more willing to wait a while or more understanding of why your husband keeps putting off having a baby.
- Ask him to voice his fears
You need to understand why he keeps putting off having a baby. Why does he want to wait? Or why does he not want anymore kids? It might be a simple reason that you will understand and immediately agree with or one that you can easily counter and you can quickly get to planning for your next baby.
- Be ready and willing to compromise
You are in this marriage together. Your goal is to be a team as much as possible and you never need to have that mentality more than when you have a baby. Understand that in order to have a strong team, you will need to settle on a compromise. If your husband is absolutely not willing to have another baby (yet or ever), you will have to be willing to understand him and his reasons. Hopefully he will be happy to compromise too and that will lead to pushing your desire for a baby (or at least discussion about it) to a later date rather than settling on an absolute “no”.